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Rogues Review: Spain 2008: Walls hurt

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:27:35 +0200

Rarely is a race in Spain a good one. There have been the notable exceptions, Mansell and Senna dueling down the main straight, Schumacher mastering the rain like no other. Sadly this race was not to be such an awe inspiring event. It was an event though. The whole world held their breath as Kovalainen plunged into the tyre wall.

I’ve seen two such plunges. In 1999 Silverstone witnessed Schumacher plunge from the track after locking up. After skimming across the gravel the high speed impact on the wall broke his leg and lost him the championship. He was OK save the leg and ultimately it was one of those incidents that happens. Just like Kovalainen’s, something broke just at the wrong point.

At Spa in 2001, Luciano Burti plunged in the tyre wall and almost disappeared under a mountain of tyres at the exit of one of the high speed corners on the main straight. This was not a part failure, this was a poor overtaking move from Eddie Irvine. The Irishman also left the track but was not harmed. Irvine took part in the rescue attempt, even getting a vehicle to pull out the Prost of Burti from under the tyres. Burti suffered, from this impact, with concussion. Kovalainen had much of the same, except he did not get injured. Not really. Sure a bump or two and massive headache but he was lucky that we are in a modern age. Greater drivers have died for less.

Whilst this post has taken a somewhat somber mood, we will attempt to lighten it with some funny remarks about all the other drivers that did the ridiculous. Sadly, there was simply not enough to offset the meat wagon that took away Kovalainen. Barrichello and Piquet, however, did manage to provide some sort of comic interlude.

Barrichello managed to break his nose cone during a pit stop. It’s been a good long while since some dramatic has happened in the pits - with the odd exception of a member of a pit crew being run over. Unlike the unlucky Barrichello, Piquet just managed to be stupid. Having a little on and off moment is embarrassing enough, but hitting a slower car whilst trying to regain your race position is even more stupid.

For pure rogue behavior we have to look, in this race, to Sato and Massa. Massa proved that hand waving still works as he vented some first waving fun at a back marker. When being passed by Coulthard Sato got our attention, going a bit wide whilst Coulthard tried to overtake around the outside, Sato dummied Coulthard that he was going to drive into him. This superb flick of the wrists sent Coulthard yet wider and Sato held out for another lap. Not his usual contact method of trying to stay in front but none the less enjoyable.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Shiiiiiiit!

Dummy

Hand shaking fun

Nearly there

Season standard

Kovalainen

Sato

Massa

Alonso

Räikkönen

Walls are harder than they look

Old dogs can be taught new tricks

Venting spleen

On the way up!

The Ice Man is back...

Rogues Review: Bahrain 2008: We won't mention videos...

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 15:38:04 +0200

With a slight delay due to some temporary relocation of the F1Rogues team to the island the now call the UK to be soon renamed The United Kingdom of Hamilton we being out review of the last race…

Well, I promised when I restarted all this that I would never review what did not happen during the race. Therefore I will not be at all mentioning anything alleged about sex games, grey haired men and prison service. Suffice to say that we can replace any temptation to do that by laughing continuously at Hamilton and his feeble attempts to overtake Spanish ex-teammates.

The race itself promised much but on the whole failed to deliver. We had placed all our money on a Ferrari 1-2 to the gravel trap at the first corner skillfully aided by a shove from a BMW. It seemed inevitable that Kubica would lose his pole position at the getaway so he should have made sure he got it back… Senna style.

To say the race was without incident would not be true. There was plenty of action on the track with both Sutil and Vettel both suffering from engine issues, Piquet having handling issues which resulted in a spin or two, as well as Buttons somewhat clumsy overtaking maneuver on David Coulthard. Both Button and Hamilton proved that when you have a point to prove, you can make it best by running into another car – yes the car is crap and no I don’t know how to overtake. Ultimately this cost both drivers their races. Button had an early bath and Hamilton just struggled to do anything of any note. Unless the fact that we all noted he did nothing worthwhile in the whole race, then, well, he did something note worthy…..

What's hot and what's not in the race

Blind?

No room

Which way do I drive?

Back on track

Polish invasion

Hamilton

Button

Piquet

Massa

Kubica

Hard to miss these Renaults

Ram braking works better

Handling issues?

Stolen on the first lap

New world order starts NOW!

Rogue Prediction, Bahrain 2008

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:00:00 +0200

Well, after all the shenanigans of the last week the Lemmy does an Anne Summers party that is the F1 circus come to Bahrain where it tries desperately to put a brave face on, clench its teeth and say a terse "thank-you sir, may I have another" after every stinging blow.

Massa and Raikonenenenen after free practice get caught in a dubious set-up position (found on page 65 of the special FIA guidebook) and spend the rest of the weekend smarting as their initial enthusiasm turns to agony leading to excessive bottoming-out and get badly bruised leading to a poor finish. The McLaren duo feel vindicated in their clear understanding of the safety word car and use this to their advantage before things get out of hand late in the race eading them to both be on top at the flag to gasps of astonishment from the crowd. Honda continue to push hard feeling that they can further penetrate the upper reaches of the grid with only minor complaining allowing a late frenzy on lap 45 and a surprise finish of 4th and 6th. Groans all round at the BMW camp as both drivers moan about the slippery conditions and low traction exacerbated by a poor rubber choice as the team manager attempts to whip up support amongst the mechanics with perhaps a little too much enthusiasm leading to general complaints and obviously lacking a gentle touch with subordinates. Force India draft in an expert in such matters and proove their Tantric-like endurance and general flexibly to a get 8th place points finish for Fisi. Further suspension stiffness worries abound at RedBull as they continue to find themselves unable to go the whole distance despite spanking a…oh sorry...a spanking new rear end. The Torro Rosso team complain after being unduly slapped about in an incident at turn 1 by another car attempting unexpectedly to (over)take them roughly from the rear of the grid, allowing one of the Super Aguri’s in a dramatic maneuver, tightly zipped into tenth place, the driver masked by...

er...think I'd better stop there eh?

Hamilton,
Kovi,
Raikonenenenenenenenenen ( I've got some "special magazines" if you need any more ideas, no? Ok then can I use the "outfit" once your done with it? No, please clean it first...)

Rogues Review: Malaysia 2008: Back to normal

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:05:22 +0100

After the start of term, life is back to normal. Malaysia without rain is always going to be dull and this year’s was no exception. Miles and miles of gravel and a track so wide it would rival Heathrow’s main runway, means that the racers have no excuses but to avoid each other, ample space for all with even enough room to park a Minky Whale in between the cars.

Back in the good old days of Michael Andretti, we were treated to an off track moment right from the second the race started. When Andretti left F1, complaining something about having to turn right as well as left we thought those days were over. Now we have Bourdais. Now, in the last race he impressed everyone at F1 Rogues, this race he impressed us yet more. Almost at the very start, Bourdais managed to find the gravel and an early shower by himself.

After that the race slipped into the usual pattern, some cars going off and then on again. The off again, then on again and so on. Glock was mostly helped off the track by Rosberg who ended up with a trip to the pits to put a new nose on as a result. By lap 19 we were up to the first round of stops. Hamilton, desperate to make up time after suffering a 5 place grid penalty, had an agonizingly slow pit stop. The right front tyre men had trouble with their job and it was a 20 second pit stop from hell. Oh, how we love it!!!!

For the remainder of the race not much happened, a few more offs and ons and off and ons later, Massa managed to park it well and truly in the gravel. Never quite being as good as his teammate is beginning to show already… Vettel was next to in suffering from a blown engine which was the same fate that met his teammate in Australia.

Lastly we pay special homage to Barrichello. In the last race, he got a stop go penalty and was disqualified and this race he continued his new tradition. A drive though for speeding in the pit lane will easily see him become F1 Rogues top driver of 2008…

What's hot and what's not in the race

*Still* Man of the year

Not good enough!

Pit stop from hell

Path to glory

Back on top

Barrichello

Massa

Hamilton

Kubica

Räikkönen

Less penalties. Overall improvement

Beached whale

Need a new pit crew!

Good start to the year

The Ice Man is back...

Rogues Review: Australia 2008: Term starts!

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:42:14 +0100

Ah the first day back at term has been completed. And as predicted here at F1Rogues there was much mayhem.

Without traction control it was always going to be an interesting race. The first lap proved that drivers can’t keep control of themselves net alone themselves and their wheel spin. At the first corner Fisichella ended up the victim and Massa proved that spinning whilst there is a crash at the same corner is a good way of not looking too much like an idiot, at least until the replays are shown. Within the lap the Safety Car was out for the first of many trips, with many drivers diving for the pits to put back on parts of the car that should be attached rather than hanging off the side.

Massa, not satisfied with his first lap spin, tried to make up for lost ground. Trying to unlap himself on lap 26 Masses harpooned Coulthard. The new result was that Red Bull Racing was now completely out of the race after local hero Webber retired shortly after the race began. Unlapping yourself is allowed in F1, and quite frankly was bound to happen when it’s Ferrari versus Red Bull Racing. Eddie Irvine once unlapped himself by passing Senna. Whilst there was no collision Senna was so incensed about this, he took it upon himself to confront the Irishman after the race "knocking" him off a table in the process. Coulthard did make his voice known, slamming Massa for ramming into him. Massa received damage from the collision and retired a few laps later with engine problems.

The race went a bit "quiet" after Massa’s little incident until Glock discovered exactly what everyone meant about the dangers at turn 12. It had been mentioned that the exit of turn 12 represented a bit of a danger. A small bump on the grass on the exit could cause a car to get air. Glock discovered this was true and very almost managed to put himself upside down. In the end, he span gracefully up the track coming to a halt against the wall. He came to rest missing some major parts and quietly shitting himself. It was in the subsequent Safety Car period that Barrichello showed that if you are going to mess up, you better mess up good. With no fuel left the team were forced to make the Brazilian pit. However, once the Safety Car comes out the pit lane closes. This is so the track officials can get some order on the track before all the fun begins again. It was during this illegal refuelling stop that his lollipop man got a little excited. Lifting it before fuelling was complete caused the fuelling crew to be dragged over the car. Rightly Barrichello did not stop and went on his way leaving a big heap of arms, legs and flammable liquid on the floor. Now, in case you are not aware, the pits have a traffic light at the end. Two colours are on it, red and green. Barrichello is, apparently, colourblind. He left the pits when the light was red, thus making it a hatrick of stupidity. Barrichello, for all the woes and injuries he got disqualified from the race - for the red light - and handed a 10 second stop-and-go penalty during the race - for pitting during the Safety Car. He got nothing for running over the pit crew... one will expect a kicking from the pit crew in the team garage is almost guaranteed. All this makes Barrichello our man of the race. We look forward to next race where we hope to get a black flag. The only way is up!

Before the pace car had even gone back to the pits, we were treated to yet another display of genius. Nakajima, who managed to run down his pit crew in the previous race, now managed to hit - whilst following the pace car - the high qualifying Kubica. F1Rogues predicted this would happen sometime during this race and Nakajima supplied. Kubica went out of the race; Nakajima got a new nose and a 10 place qualification penalty for Malaysia for the pleasure.

For the rest the race continued without real incident, the only tragic thing being Bourdais’ engine blow whilst running 4th in his first race - in a Minardi. We expect great things from this man.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Man of the year (so far)

As predicted

Denied

Turn around?

Looked easy

Barrichello

Nakajima

Bourdais

Heidfeld

Hamilton

CTL+ALT+DEL reset year

Not so Safety Car..

"F**k?!?!?!?"

Good start to the year

Led the whole way

2008 is go!

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 22:12:05 +0100

Medic! I heard them cry… “Stand clear!”… beep… bup, bup, bup… And F1Rogues is back. Season 2008 has very almost, very nearly very actually almost arrived on our screens. Once more the mindless idiots will battle it out at what can be called the “first day back at school”. Like all first days there will be a rookie who, whilst peeing his pants, runs into the back of the school bully. This year that slot is filled, as last year, by Alonso. Now bigger, angrier with an even angrier team boss, he is back to reclaim what the Spanish think was theirs anyway and what Finland will try to hold on to with their last spluttering breath.

So what of the new season and its main contenders…

Ferrari

The Ice man hath cometh and it’s prepareth for action. The ice cool attitude will probably see off most of his competitors and his team mate. Speaking of which, will Massa actually go onto doing something decent? Sure he’s been there, somewhere in the background but will he actually do something useful or will he actually end up like Barrichello being someone else’s fall guy?

BMW Sauber

I like Robert Kubica. He’s made of the right stuff. He takes a chance and sometimes, just sometimes, it comes off. Alesi was like that also. I like him too. I once saw Heidfeld at Spa. He was, as was mostly that season on his usual form of transport, a scooter back to the pits. I don’t feel that this season will be a reason for him to break tradition.

Renault

Alonso. Mad, bad and probably very dangerous. Piquet Jnr. has a lot to keep up with; it will be good for him to be with Alonso.

Williams

Rosberg will do well as he did last year but won’t cause any major upsets for F1Rogues. Nakajima on the other hand… oh god, I really hope the pit crew has forgotten the fact that he attempted to run over them in Japan last year…

Red Bull Racing

I love these two, Webber and Coulthard. They will whine their way around the pit lane as usual and cause an occasional massive accident… Lovin’ it!

Toyota

No more Ralf Schumacher. We are disappointed. Trulli will show usual form for F1Rogues, consistently not interesting. I like Glock, he seems to have a dangerous name which could spell trouble. Fingers crossed.

Torro Rosso

We at F1rogues, have high hopes for Vettel, central point of the wet weather incident with Hamilton. This year we expect more of the same high jinks. I’m voting for a big incident in the first half of the season. Bourdais is in his first year of F1 and I suppose that he will go to top of the class for being an idiot in Melbourne. It’s just a hunch and it’s nothing against him as a racer. It’ll just happen. It can’t be anything else. Someone, who is a rookie, will have an incident.

Honda

Button… oh Button. How you have disappointed me! Don’t change; F1Rogues loves it. His team mate, Barrichello, is set to go far this year, large gravel traps need to be crossed and then it is really far across them.

Force India

If ever there was a force that F1Rogues love, it would be an India one. Pictures of dodgy wiring and allot of smiling at officials mean only certain F1Rogues stardom…

Super Aguri

“Danger on a stick” should be the new name of Sato. If anyone is likely to wind up on the meat wagon it’s this guy. Davidson, his team mate might take more extreme measures this year after a year with only one overtaking maneuver. I’m going for a Sato/Davidson tangle at Melbourne.

McLaren

Sitting in the naughty corner this year is McLaren. Hamilton has allot to do to better last year’s result and his newly promoted team mate has allot to do to keep up with Hamilton. It’s a shame McLaren don’t start from the back of the grid as that would really spice things up a bit. I’m also betting it won’t be long before McLaren find some suspiciously familiar details on the Ferrari’s….

Rogues Review: Brazil 2007: Stolen by Finland

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 22:49:30 +0200

It is not many times a man who has not led the championship since the first race of the season steals it from everyone at the finished line. Today Kimi did just that. In a race that was lost almost as soon as it started for Hamilton, Kimi stole the show in what was to become an inevitable change in Ferrari positions. You would wonder if Alonso has been leading the race then would there have been such a change of leadership in the 2nd round of pit stops. We will probably never know…

The race was, by normal rules a fantastic one. By our rules it was also a fantastic one. Alexander Wurz must have been laughing behind his TV screen with a beer in one hand and new born baby in the other when his replacement, Nakajima, managed to mow most of his pit team down. Now, no one wants an injury in F1, but this was truly Austrian justice at its best. Williams was not the only team to come to grief in a tyre stop. The Honda team had managed to lose a tyre from the previous stop which came rolling on back mowing down the front jack man in the process, just as the second Honda arrived in the pits. Not much fun staring up at the front of a speeding race car, even if he intends on stopping.

On the track the race took its usual series of off and then back on the track travels. Both Renaults managed to make sure that this year’s car does not become next year’s by well and truly breaking their race cars. Fisichella managed to go off the track and back on collecting Yamamoto in the process. Not a good end to the Spyker team history. Kovalainen managed to damaged the back of his car but this time it was purely self made. It was a close run thing whether or not the safety car would get an outing but a Ferrari crisis was averted and the race carried on.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Soo close...

Even closer...

For Austria (again)

Icy shadow

Sub zero

Hamilton

Alonso

Williams

Massa

Räikkönen

First lap misery

Single point loser

Don't call us, we'll call you Nakajima!

Tough break

Owned

Rogue Prediction, Brazil 2007

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 15:22:53 +0200

Hmm, so this is it. The grand finale. A three way fight for the prize between a Phlegmatic closet Gorilla impersonator, a slightly tetchy bloke who's only true regret is that he cut his hair to impress his new boss on his first day at work (and then allegedly saw Gordon Murray in the Macca Woking HQ canteen with his long flowing mullet and Sex Pistols T-Shirt and promptly broke down sobbing and wailing that "Flavio warned me about this but I was a fool not to listen") and an innocent child who, according to certain parts of the British press, has found he has near godlike qualities and can turn Evian into Volvic (as he’s still too young to actually drink).

Interlagos is an odd place to end up as it’s basically like having a high class Casino on a council refuse site and open prison, Lewis has stated the he "feels a bit odd" there but that’s probably someone just trying to grope around for his wallet, watch, Nikes, shoelaces, teeth etc. Indeed the Anti-clockwise nature of the track tends to throw up all manner of issues for the drivers to tackle such as falling billboards on the start-finish line, open sewers at turn three, stray dogs running loose on the infield, the body of a horse across the apex of Turn 7, some "slightly dodgy" people standing on the corner at turn six looking at the drivers in a funny way and whispering to each other, a burned out Fiat Palio in the paddock and people trying to nick your wheels and radio aerial whilst you are stationary in the pit, all of which make a slightly sore neck the least of your worries. Actually if memory serves correctly, Minardi team-members always used to be the ones who would always get mugged when staying in Sao Paolo. Minardi, not Ferrari! I mean, that’s like having the choice of nicking a Rolex or a Timex off someone and going for the Timex cos you don’t want to be seen to be too greedy (and lets face it Rolex's are a bit gaudy anyway).

Interlagos is a place of tradition so after first two false starts (one caused by Ralf Schumacher having to stop and ask locals for directions to the nearest job centre) and the annual six car pile up the race eventually starts in earnest and all goes well until halfway round lap one Alex Wurz hits a Giant Panda called Wang-Wang that was a gift from the Peoples Republic of China in 1987, 9ft 6in tall Alex soldiers on valiantly for another 40 laps before realising that he didn’t actually leave China weeks back and is driving a taxi at high speed round a Shanghai Petting Zoo. Rubens' race is constantly hindered by him crying with joy all the time and when interviewed later he says the he’s simply "so happy to be able to race to 21st place in front of his home crowd" later the Honda team present him with a gift of a toupee in recognition of not letting minor hair-loss and a dire drive get in the way of mediocrity in 2007. Jenson finally gets to grips with the recalcitrant Google earth car when he realises that its actually quite handy in the wet and, not wishing to let a dry race hinder his hopes of a podium, builds a pebble bubble fountain next to turn one with a garden gnome cunningly disguised as Bernie Ecclestone to throw off overly-inquisitive FIA officials, indeed this is so effective that Max Mosley spends a good 45minutes deep in discussion with the gaudy plastic effigy and later claims it’s their most productive meeting yet and is now confident that the 2008 Concorde agreement can be signed by all parties.

The FIA "white helmet" independent observer placed in the Mclaren garage to see that fair play is maintained at all times realises the danger of his job when the entire pit crew surround him and start pushing him round a bit, putting a sign saying "kick me" on his back whilst Norbert Haug gets down on all fours behind him and Ron shoves the unsuspecting little ~~sh!t~~ busybody in the chest so he falls over backwards as the rest of the team video this corporate happy slapping incident on their mobiles. Alonso dons a specially crafted wig and realises his powers have returned, putting in a highly convincing charge through the field and is back to his old ways with a brilliant sulk on lap 36 when Lewis goes a bit faster on a similar fuel load and worn prime tyres.

Having both retired early from the race Fisi and Ralf are seen knocking on every team truck door going "Gis a job" and "we're brill we are youknow, bestest drivers in the world" in a pitch so convincing that Spyker insist that they "Will be in contact but we do have a lot of other people to talk to but you're likely to be called back for another interview in a few months so stay in touch and if it was just up to me you'd be in today ok?"

The Ferrari’s make a convincing run to an eventual 8th and 11th place as the team insist that the MaccaMercs are blatant copies of an idea they had late last year to make a "really good car that, you know can win a lot of races and be very quick", the FIA decide to investigate these "very serious claims" and decide as a contingency plan to dock points for all races that Mclaren have ever scored since the dawn of time and confiscate all their trophies in a move that has the unforeseen consequences that there aren’t enough trucks in the UK to transport all the Woking silverware and that the whole FIA budget for 2008 has to be rethought as they desperately need to buy loads of Mr Sheen and Brasso polish.

So at the flag its:

Sir Lewis Hamilton, CBE, KBE, OBE, CBE and Pipe smoker of the year.
Haiku Covarleineneninggngngngngnnnumeenen
Alonso; Thank you, you may go now and no we don’t think the leaving party is really going to happen and I'm washing my hair tonight anyway and Trev from the fabrication shop said that there’s a repeat of Inspector Morse on TV tonight and his videos bust too so he can’t come and Rons doing some wallpapering and Norberts got a funny tummy, er, we were going to have a whip round for a present and a card but it kind of got forgotten, er, sorry…

On his way home back to FIA HQ in Paris, Max Mosleys' plane develops a technical fault and is forced 100's of miles off course and has to make an emergency landing at Glasgow airport, official FIA TV reports say he is greeted by rapturous crowd of wellwishers and with a cry of "you all look like flippin music hall entertainers" they rush towards him brandishing the traditional Scottish gifts of hand crafted old recycled glassware to show their full appreciation of him….

Hamilton to get a penalty?

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 18:59:16 +0200

Race stewards are investigation whether or not Hamilton has used more than his allocated number of wet tyres during free practice.

During free practice no driver can use more than one set of wets and one set of extream wets. But it appears the Button, Sato and championship contender Hamilton may have used 2 sets each.

A decision will be made soon and it is no known if a penalty will be given out.

Source: GPUpdate

Rogue Review, China 2007: To the wire...

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 22:41:22 +0200

All in Scotland can breathe a sigh of relief tonight. They’ve been holding it since 1995 when DC managed to under steer off the pit lane when the world was watching that exact bit of track. DC is now no longer the only person to have done this in recent history!

Humiliation is rarely this good. In DC’s defense he had tyres with grip. In fact he had tyres with rubber on which, as any half baked racing driver knows, is more than a little essential. McLaren has said that it was their fault that he retired from the race as they should have brought him in a lap earlier. But then again, going slower was Hamilton’s responsibility so you can take the fire for it but it still is not the teams fault.

Trying to repeat his German experience Hamilton wanted a push. Chinese marshals gave it a go but failing support from the recently commissioned Team McLaren Chinook heavy lifting helicopter it was a not so long walk back to the pits. Hell, if you are going to retire from your first GP make sure it’s not a long way from the pits. Tales of drivers getting lost on the infield at Hockenheim are a legend in itself. In fact, one 1970s driver was recently found living a bear like existence, surviving solely on nuts and berries. He’d been competing in the 1974 German GP when his car broke down on the dreaded “far side of the circuit”. The bit of track where there are no spectators except chipmonks…

Hamilton’s failings aside we have to pay homage to a very special driver. Ralf Schumacher. No one, repeat no one spins like this guy does. And no one, repeat no one manages to blame other people like this guy does. His incident with Liuzzi, in Ralf’s eyes, was Luizzi hitting him. We, with instant video replay could see that Ralf turned into early… again. Mind you he did a fair share of turning it too late in this race so it all balances out in the end.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Job center?

Kamikaze

Kitty litter

Sweet revenge

Burn from the stern

Schumacher

Sutil

Hamilton

Alonso

Räikkönen

Give up, while you're still young!

Damn missed the camera man...

DC's mum will be proud

Mwhahahahah!

Taking candy from a baby