Rogue Prediction, China 2007

And so to Shanghai where the paddock is once again rife with rumor and innuendo after the startling expose of THAT footage where it was proven categorically that driving an F1 car down a river in full flood can be a bit of dodgy affair and is a little bit taxing for certain individuals. In a dramatic and emotional interview, Webber takes a conciliatory line:

"Well, in my F*%$*ng option that $£%^er F*&@@£$g W*&(*@@ercan just B@*&%$@ well go an £$****&@ his little @£$$ up that @$$** cos I think @@$%£*** is a huge @@*&r so there, and as for @@%$% little crybaby @^^&&$% T@@%$ers all of them every last one... what? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME???? Do you want a slap?"

Webber has to make a hasty retraction of his comments when it is discovered that the word "£$****&@" originated from graffiti in the Ferrari team toilet block in Maranello and a global witch-hunt ensues as to who leaked this information to the RedBull team.

The FIA capitulate and accepted that grainy, low quality, inexpertly filmed footage from a 0.5 megapixel camera or indeed an old super 8 footage ( where just after each "incident" the camera is dropped by the dimwit user) is now admissible as evidence of a drivers wrongdoing. Hamilton’s punishment for winning the last race and leading the championship is so severe that he is forced to start the race in a small basement car park in downtown Beijing. Torro Rosso (which kind of sounds less like an energy drink and more and more like some kind of cheap red wine you'd take to a party, leave on the side amongst the rest of the booze and then grab an unopened bottle of Glenmorangie from the Host’s drinks cabinet and retire to the Everest UPVC conservatory where you spend the next 4 hours pretend listening to some bloke called Gerald boring you with talks of how exciting it is to be a quantity surveyor before you eventually loose the will to live and the ability to stand) , spurred on by this as an excuse for Veltins moment of brain fade where he was changing a CD, combing his hair and using his mobile while driving hand, out nearly 120,000 video cameras to the Chinese race fans and a whole can of worms is opened...

The global TV audience are treated to, what on the surface seems a cut and dried race where Lewis is pronounced as the new Messiah ( bringing peace and harmony to all nations of the world with his boyish good looks and sponsor friendly demeanor) where he laps the entire field 8 times and stops to sign autographs and sort out a lucrative book deal and wink like a cheeky chappie at the TV cameras halfway through, however after trawling through almost  1.9Bn hours of Youtube footage after the race, Frank Toast from Terry Toweling F1 makes some startling discoveries:

Alonso was on the grassy knoll though the angle of the shot looks like it might not be quite right

Lewis' dad tapping his watch and telling his young charge that he can only stay out 10 minutes more and then it really is his bedtime.
Massa being responsible from the loss of several large container ships within the Bermuda triangle and the subsequent hit single by Barry Manilow.

Vettel seen with a copy of the AA's "how to drive" book for learners and a pair of water wings

Jean Todt captured on CCTV wearing dark glasses, false beard, hat and trench-coat with a large envelope at the Shangai main post office, the address on the letter is unclear except for the word "Woking"…

Max Mosely is seen laughing manically like a power crazed demi god dispensing cruel lightning justice on all (unless they drive a red car).

The Ferrari pit crew are seen all gathered around a laptop PC with a copy of "Windows for dummies" trying to get their E-mail to work
The Sauber team sawing off Kubicas' legs to get him to fit in the car.

Grainy footage of a hill in the US appears to show clear evidence of the existence of the fabeled Yeti or "Sasquatch" but in fact its Kimi going out for a drink in Helsinki.

The Honda pit crew over- polishing Jenson’s car before the race, rubbing some of the paint off to expose a black and red colour scheme and sponsor logos that seems to say "European Aviation"

Martin Brundle is seen making obscene hand gestures behind James Allen’s back every time he's speaking in the mic.

Ralf Schumacher’s race performance for Toyota having all the panache, commitment and energy of Britney Spears singing at this years' MTV awards, in fact its virtually impossible to tell the two apart.

And finally most shocking of all:

Nick Heidfleld is Elvis

Er,
Ok,

1. Lewis
2. Massa
3. Kubica

Posted by The Predictor at October 7, 2007, 10:15 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, satire, 2007, china, hamilton, webber, ferrari

Ferrari: Hamilton title would be tainted

Lewis Hamilton will have to thank Ferrari if he wins the Formula One title in China this weekend, according to the Italian team's president Luca di Montezemolo.

"I still think that in the spying affair it was a big mistake not to disqualify the McLaren drivers as well," * the Gazzetta dello Sport web site quoted him as saying after Sunday's Japanese Grand Prix.

"It means that if Hamilton wins the championship, he will also win it thanks to Ferrari because there is a lot of Ferrari in his car." **

McLaren were fined $100 million and stripped of all their constructors' points by the governing International Automobile Federation (FIA) last month for having Ferrari technical information *** in their possession.

However, the drivers escaped sanctions because the FIA said they had been granted an amnesty in exchange for providing evidence.****

Hamilton, 22, can become the first rookie to win the championship as well as the youngest world champion if he wins this Sunday's penultimate race of the season in Shanghai.

The Briton leads teammate and double world champion Fernando Alonso by 12 points after the Spaniard crashed in Fuji. *****

Ferrari have won the constructors' championship.*****


* because this has never happened to Ferrari ever, ever at all, though there was that incident a few years ago but we wont mention that.

** When pressed on this matter a Ferrari spokesman said that "well, it looks a bit like ours and if you look closely they cynically copied the number of wheels and its got a V8 so that proves it, only its silver. Er, and its faster."

***that amounted to, not so much a smoking gun, more a bit of smoke with no gun to be seen or indeed a very slight whiff of something that may or may not have been the smell of smoke that might have come from a smoking gun or perhaps from an ashtray but lets not let that get in the way of some good old fashioned "Western Justice " so we'll just go find a suitable tree, some rope and a horse as you can never be too careful with these things you know…

**** see above…
***** Which Ferrari managed not to win, hmm?
****** Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted by The Predictor at October 3, 2007, 10:12 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, ferrari, hamilton, mclaren, 2007

Rogue Review, Italy 2007: Crushed on home ground

With threats of more action from the FIA looming over the McLaren team Alonso and Hamilton stormed to a new first, a Mclaren 1-2 on Ferrari home turf.

The Mclaren drivers look set to become part of the spy ring that has been unfolding before the media in recent weeks. Apparently one of them knows something about it all and they were told that if they do, they better own up to it now. Seems like the FIA is playing school headmaster in asking the guilty boy to “step forward” and not see the others punished unnecessarily. The Mclaren drivers hoping, it seems, to hide in the crowd and escape the resulting beating by their fellow classmates after school.

Still, being beaten by Mclaren is not making Ferrari’s year and Ferrari is determined that if it can’t beat them, then we’ll set the Italian police on them. Ferrari lived up to this and the police informed Mclaren they were being investigated. All this was before the teams had turned a wheel in the actual race.

The race added insult to already damaged Ferrari pride. Beaten completely on home ground… there must be someone cheating, right?

The race was largely uneventful but it started well. Coulthard managed to lose a vital part of his car required for cornering in the worst place possible; a corner. Statistically, there is more straight that corner at Monza and therefore DC was not having the luck this weekend. He should have stuck it out with his lucky underpants after all. The end result was a collision with the tyre wall and a slightly shaken – but not stirred DC. One safety car deployment later the pack was bunched up and Ferrari’s plan to get back in the action was fairly quickly crushed again as the McLaren’s sped off into the Italian afternoon sun.

For the remaining race nothing much happened. Button and Rosberg battled it out for what would become a single point for Button. This was a slightly entertaining highlight of the remaining race which saw the championship get ever closer.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Tyres are soft Rattle throwing And again? Needed 1st 1st the worst Coulthard Ferrari Räikkönen Hamilton Alonso Testing the safety Have contacts, will call them OK, stop finishing in the top 3 Not going away, Alonso Start 1st, finish 1st

Posted by Jules at September 12, 2007, 8:55 am - Comments (0)
Tagged as: ferrari, coulthard, italy, monza, 2007, f1, formula1, formula one

Rogue Prediction, Britain 2007

The f1 paddock is rife with rumor and intrigue after the discovery of a massive scandal involving many people across a whole gamut of disciplines from almost every team (with the notable exception of Spyker who are too dull) from the most lowly cleaner to the highest paid technical director. A paper trail of e-mails, faxes, untraceable phone calls and secret meetings will hopeful be concluded soon with the result that Ralf Schumacher (or Adrian Sutil) can be blamed after a short but compelling witch-hunt and be publicly flogged on the starting grid by Bernie Ecclestone in a worldwide TV event seen by approx 75% of the planets' population. James Allen will be implicated as an accomplice in the alleged "Stepneygate" affair and will be punished by Max Mosley giving him a really rather painful Chinese burn whilst the Silverstone crowd cheer him on and the Red Arrows do a flypast and display including their new formation "Albers" which involves all 9 planes flying really slowly and erratically then the last plane tries to crash into either:

• the ground, 
• at least 4 of the others ,
• a VC10 air to air tanker

Or, all of the above whilst the whole squadron is put up for auction on E-Bay and red leader tries to sue all the other airforces of the world for using much better bought-in planes and that’s just not on I say.

Torrential rain is the order of the day and whilst Bridgestone demo their new range of  wet weather tyres: Drizzel, Damp intervals, and Quick-Better get the washing in this looks like it might go on for a while and I did the Duvet today isn’t that flippin typical. Hamilton simply walks on water and wins before being elevated to simultaneous saint and knighthood.

So at the flag its:

1. Hamilton.
2. Hidefelt
3. Button, (who? you ask)

Due to podium peer pressure, after the race Lewis tries unsuccessfully to grow a beard whilst being interviewed by a very excited Louise Goodman who's breathless first question goes like this: "Well Lewis,Ohhhhhhhh another fantastic win, Mmmmmmmmmmmm I could just eat you all up, yummmmmmm, and frankly I'm game, OOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAaaaaahhhhhhhhhh how about it then?" and James Allen mumbles "hey! I was going to say that…"

Er, allegedly….

Posted by The Predictor at July 6, 2007, 12:29 am - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, britain, 2007, mclaren, ferrari, espionage, silverstone, bernie, schumacher, hamilton