Rogue Review, China 2007: To the wire...

All in Scotland can breathe a sigh of relief tonight. They’ve been holding it since 1995 when DC managed to under steer off the pit lane when the world was watching that exact bit of track. DC is now no longer the only person to have done this in recent history!

Humiliation is rarely this good. In DC’s defense he had tyres with grip. In fact he had tyres with rubber on which, as any half baked racing driver knows, is more than a little essential. McLaren has said that it was their fault that he retired from the race as they should have brought him in a lap earlier. But then again, going slower was Hamilton’s responsibility so you can take the fire for it but it still is not the teams fault.

Trying to repeat his German experience Hamilton wanted a push. Chinese marshals gave it a go but failing support from the recently commissioned Team McLaren Chinook heavy lifting helicopter it was a not so long walk back to the pits. Hell, if you are going to retire from your first GP make sure it’s not a long way from the pits. Tales of drivers getting lost on the infield at Hockenheim are a legend in itself. In fact, one 1970s driver was recently found living a bear like existence, surviving solely on nuts and berries. He’d been competing in the 1974 German GP when his car broke down on the dreaded “far side of the circuit”. The bit of track where there are no spectators except chipmonks…

Hamilton’s failings aside we have to pay homage to a very special driver. Ralf Schumacher. No one, repeat no one spins like this guy does. And no one, repeat no one manages to blame other people like this guy does. His incident with Liuzzi, in Ralf’s eyes, was Luizzi hitting him. We, with instant video replay could see that Ralf turned into early… again. Mind you he did a fair share of turning it too late in this race so it all balances out in the end.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Job center? Kamikaze Kitty litter Sweet revenge Burn from the stern Schumacher Sutil Hamilton Alonso Räikkönen Give up, while you're still young! Damn missed the camera man... DC's mum will be proud Mwhahahahah! Taking candy from a baby

Posted by Jules at October 7, 2007, 10:41 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, 2007, china, schumacher, hamilton, alonso, coulthard

Rogue Prediction, China 2007

And so to Shanghai where the paddock is once again rife with rumor and innuendo after the startling expose of THAT footage where it was proven categorically that driving an F1 car down a river in full flood can be a bit of dodgy affair and is a little bit taxing for certain individuals. In a dramatic and emotional interview, Webber takes a conciliatory line:

"Well, in my F*%$*ng option that $£%^er F*&@@£$g W*&(*@@ercan just B@*&%$@ well go an £$****&@ his little @£$$ up that @$$** cos I think @@$%£*** is a huge @@*&r so there, and as for @@%$% little crybaby @^^&&$% T@@%$ers all of them every last one... what? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME???? Do you want a slap?"

Webber has to make a hasty retraction of his comments when it is discovered that the word "£$****&@" originated from graffiti in the Ferrari team toilet block in Maranello and a global witch-hunt ensues as to who leaked this information to the RedBull team.

The FIA capitulate and accepted that grainy, low quality, inexpertly filmed footage from a 0.5 megapixel camera or indeed an old super 8 footage ( where just after each "incident" the camera is dropped by the dimwit user) is now admissible as evidence of a drivers wrongdoing. Hamilton’s punishment for winning the last race and leading the championship is so severe that he is forced to start the race in a small basement car park in downtown Beijing. Torro Rosso (which kind of sounds less like an energy drink and more and more like some kind of cheap red wine you'd take to a party, leave on the side amongst the rest of the booze and then grab an unopened bottle of Glenmorangie from the Host’s drinks cabinet and retire to the Everest UPVC conservatory where you spend the next 4 hours pretend listening to some bloke called Gerald boring you with talks of how exciting it is to be a quantity surveyor before you eventually loose the will to live and the ability to stand) , spurred on by this as an excuse for Veltins moment of brain fade where he was changing a CD, combing his hair and using his mobile while driving hand, out nearly 120,000 video cameras to the Chinese race fans and a whole can of worms is opened...

The global TV audience are treated to, what on the surface seems a cut and dried race where Lewis is pronounced as the new Messiah ( bringing peace and harmony to all nations of the world with his boyish good looks and sponsor friendly demeanor) where he laps the entire field 8 times and stops to sign autographs and sort out a lucrative book deal and wink like a cheeky chappie at the TV cameras halfway through, however after trawling through almost  1.9Bn hours of Youtube footage after the race, Frank Toast from Terry Toweling F1 makes some startling discoveries:

Alonso was on the grassy knoll though the angle of the shot looks like it might not be quite right

Lewis' dad tapping his watch and telling his young charge that he can only stay out 10 minutes more and then it really is his bedtime.
Massa being responsible from the loss of several large container ships within the Bermuda triangle and the subsequent hit single by Barry Manilow.

Vettel seen with a copy of the AA's "how to drive" book for learners and a pair of water wings

Jean Todt captured on CCTV wearing dark glasses, false beard, hat and trench-coat with a large envelope at the Shangai main post office, the address on the letter is unclear except for the word "Woking"…

Max Mosely is seen laughing manically like a power crazed demi god dispensing cruel lightning justice on all (unless they drive a red car).

The Ferrari pit crew are seen all gathered around a laptop PC with a copy of "Windows for dummies" trying to get their E-mail to work
The Sauber team sawing off Kubicas' legs to get him to fit in the car.

Grainy footage of a hill in the US appears to show clear evidence of the existence of the fabeled Yeti or "Sasquatch" but in fact its Kimi going out for a drink in Helsinki.

The Honda pit crew over- polishing Jenson’s car before the race, rubbing some of the paint off to expose a black and red colour scheme and sponsor logos that seems to say "European Aviation"

Martin Brundle is seen making obscene hand gestures behind James Allen’s back every time he's speaking in the mic.

Ralf Schumacher’s race performance for Toyota having all the panache, commitment and energy of Britney Spears singing at this years' MTV awards, in fact its virtually impossible to tell the two apart.

And finally most shocking of all:

Nick Heidfleld is Elvis

Er,
Ok,

1. Lewis
2. Massa
3. Kubica

Posted by The Predictor at October 7, 2007, 10:15 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, satire, 2007, china, hamilton, webber, ferrari