Rogues Review: Spain 2008: Walls hurt

Rarely is a race in Spain a good one. There have been the notable exceptions, Mansell and Senna dueling down the main straight, Schumacher mastering the rain like no other. Sadly this race was not to be such an awe inspiring event. It was an event though. The whole world held their breath as Kovalainen plunged into the tyre wall.

I’ve seen two such plunges. In 1999 Silverstone witnessed Schumacher plunge from the track after locking up. After skimming across the gravel the high speed impact on the wall broke his leg and lost him the championship. He was OK save the leg and ultimately it was one of those incidents that happens. Just like Kovalainen’s, something broke just at the wrong point.

At Spa in 2001, Luciano Burti plunged in the tyre wall and almost disappeared under a mountain of tyres at the exit of one of the high speed corners on the main straight. This was not a part failure, this was a poor overtaking move from Eddie Irvine. The Irishman also left the track but was not harmed. Irvine took part in the rescue attempt, even getting a vehicle to pull out the Prost of Burti from under the tyres. Burti suffered, from this impact, with concussion. Kovalainen had much of the same, except he did not get injured. Not really. Sure a bump or two and massive headache but he was lucky that we are in a modern age. Greater drivers have died for less.

Whilst this post has taken a somewhat somber mood, we will attempt to lighten it with some funny remarks about all the other drivers that did the ridiculous. Sadly, there was simply not enough to offset the meat wagon that took away Kovalainen. Barrichello and Piquet, however, did manage to provide some sort of comic interlude.

Barrichello managed to break his nose cone during a pit stop. It’s been a good long while since some dramatic has happened in the pits - with the odd exception of a member of a pit crew being run over. Unlike the unlucky Barrichello, Piquet just managed to be stupid. Having a little on and off moment is embarrassing enough, but hitting a slower car whilst trying to regain your race position is even more stupid.

For pure rogue behavior we have to look, in this race, to Sato and Massa. Massa proved that hand waving still works as he vented some first waving fun at a back marker. When being passed by Coulthard Sato got our attention, going a bit wide whilst Coulthard tried to overtake around the outside, Sato dummied Coulthard that he was going to drive into him. This superb flick of the wrists sent Coulthard yet wider and Sato held out for another lap. Not his usual contact method of trying to stay in front but none the less enjoyable.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Shiiiiiiit! Dummy Hand shaking fun Nearly there Season standard Kovalainen Sato Massa Alonso Räikkönen Walls are harder than they look Old dogs can be taught new tricks Venting spleen On the way up! The Ice Man is back...

Posted by Jules at April 28, 2008, 11:27 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, 2008, spain, sato, massa, barrichello, Kovalainen, alonso, raikkonen

Rogues Review: Bahrain 2008: We won't mention videos...

With a slight delay due to some temporary relocation of the F1Rogues team to the island the now call the UK to be soon renamed The United Kingdom of Hamilton we being out review of the last race…

Well, I promised when I restarted all this that I would never review what did not happen during the race. Therefore I will not be at all mentioning anything alleged about sex games, grey haired men and prison service. Suffice to say that we can replace any temptation to do that by laughing continuously at Hamilton and his feeble attempts to overtake Spanish ex-teammates.

The race itself promised much but on the whole failed to deliver. We had placed all our money on a Ferrari 1-2 to the gravel trap at the first corner skillfully aided by a shove from a BMW. It seemed inevitable that Kubica would lose his pole position at the getaway so he should have made sure he got it back… Senna style.

To say the race was without incident would not be true. There was plenty of action on the track with both Sutil and Vettel both suffering from engine issues, Piquet having handling issues which resulted in a spin or two, as well as Buttons somewhat clumsy overtaking maneuver on David Coulthard. Both Button and Hamilton proved that when you have a point to prove, you can make it best by running into another car – yes the car is crap and no I don’t know how to overtake. Ultimately this cost both drivers their races. Button had an early bath and Hamilton just struggled to do anything of any note. Unless the fact that we all noted he did nothing worthwhile in the whole race, then, well, he did something note worthy…..

What's hot and what's not in the race

Blind? No room Which way do I drive? Back on track Polish invasion Hamilton Button Piquet Massa Kubica Hard to miss these Renaults Ram braking works better Handling issues? Stolen on the first lap New world order starts NOW!

Posted by Jules at April 9, 2008, 3:38 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: alonso, coulthard, vettel, massa, button, kubica, bahrain, 2008, hamilton, movie, video, mosley, max, f1, formula1, formula one

Rogues Review: Brazil 2007: Stolen by Finland

It is not many times a man who has not led the championship since the first race of the season steals it from everyone at the finished line. Today Kimi did just that. In a race that was lost almost as soon as it started for Hamilton, Kimi stole the show in what was to become an inevitable change in Ferrari positions. You would wonder if Alonso has been leading the race then would there have been such a change of leadership in the 2nd round of pit stops. We will probably never know…

The race was, by normal rules a fantastic one. By our rules it was also a fantastic one. Alexander Wurz must have been laughing behind his TV screen with a beer in one hand and new born baby in the other when his replacement, Nakajima, managed to mow most of his pit team down. Now, no one wants an injury in F1, but this was truly Austrian justice at its best. Williams was not the only team to come to grief in a tyre stop. The Honda team had managed to lose a tyre from the previous stop which came rolling on back mowing down the front jack man in the process, just as the second Honda arrived in the pits. Not much fun staring up at the front of a speeding race car, even if he intends on stopping.

On the track the race took its usual series of off and then back on the track travels. Both Renaults managed to make sure that this year’s car does not become next year’s by well and truly breaking their race cars. Fisichella managed to go off the track and back on collecting Yamamoto in the process. Not a good end to the Spyker team history. Kovalainen managed to damaged the back of his car but this time it was purely self made. It was a close run thing whether or not the safety car would get an outing but a Ferrari crisis was averted and the race carried on.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Soo close... Even closer... For Austria (again) Icy shadow Sub zero Hamilton Alonso Williams Massa Räikkönen First lap misery Single point loser Don't call us, we'll call you Nakajima! Tough break Owned

Posted by Jules at October 21, 2007, 10:49 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, brazil, 2007, kimi, raikkonen, massa, hamilton, alonso, nakajima, williams

Rogue Prediction, Brazil 2007

Hmm, so this is it. The grand finale. A three way fight for the prize between a Phlegmatic closet Gorilla impersonator, a slightly tetchy bloke who's only true regret is that he cut his hair to impress his new boss on his first day at work (and then allegedly saw Gordon Murray in the Macca Woking HQ canteen with his long flowing mullet and Sex Pistols T-Shirt and promptly broke down sobbing and wailing that "Flavio warned me about this but I was a fool not to listen")  and an innocent child who, according to certain parts of the British press, has found he has near godlike qualities and can turn Evian into Volvic (as he’s still too young to actually drink).

Interlagos is an odd place to end up as it’s basically like having a high class Casino on a council refuse site and open prison, Lewis has stated the he "feels a bit odd" there but that’s probably someone just trying to grope around for his wallet, watch, Nikes, shoelaces, teeth etc. Indeed the Anti-clockwise nature of the track tends to throw up all manner of issues for the drivers to tackle such as falling billboards on the start-finish line, open sewers at turn three, stray dogs running loose on the infield, the body of a horse across the apex of Turn 7, some "slightly dodgy" people standing on the corner at turn six looking at the drivers in a funny way and whispering to each other, a burned out Fiat Palio in the paddock and people trying to nick your wheels and radio aerial whilst you are stationary in the pit, all of which make a slightly sore neck the least of your worries. Actually if memory serves correctly, Minardi team-members always used to be the ones who would always get mugged when staying in Sao Paolo. Minardi, not Ferrari! I mean, that’s like having the choice of nicking a Rolex or a Timex off someone and going for the Timex cos you don’t want to be seen to be too greedy (and lets face it Rolex's are a bit gaudy anyway).

Interlagos is a place of tradition so after first two false starts (one caused by Ralf Schumacher having to stop and ask locals for directions to the nearest job centre) and the annual six car pile up the race eventually starts in earnest and all goes well until halfway round lap one Alex Wurz hits a Giant Panda called Wang-Wang that was a gift from the Peoples Republic of China in 1987, 9ft 6in tall Alex soldiers on valiantly for another 40 laps before realising that he didn’t actually leave China weeks back and is driving a taxi at high speed round a Shanghai Petting Zoo. Rubens' race is constantly hindered by him crying with joy all the time and when interviewed later he says the he’s simply "so happy to be able to race to 21st place in front of his home crowd" later the Honda team present him with a gift of a toupee in recognition of not letting minor hair-loss and a dire drive get in the way of mediocrity in 2007. Jenson finally gets to grips with the recalcitrant Google earth car when he realises that its actually quite handy in the wet and, not wishing to let a dry race hinder his hopes of a podium, builds a pebble bubble fountain next to turn one with a garden gnome cunningly disguised as Bernie Ecclestone to throw off overly-inquisitive FIA officials, indeed this is so effective that Max Mosley spends a good 45minutes deep in discussion with the gaudy plastic effigy and later claims it’s their most productive meeting yet and is now confident that the 2008 Concorde agreement can be signed by all parties.

The FIA "white helmet" independent observer placed in the Mclaren garage to see that fair play is maintained at all times realises the danger of his job when the entire pit crew surround him and start pushing him round a bit, putting a sign saying "kick me" on his back whilst Norbert Haug gets down on all fours behind him and Ron shoves the unsuspecting little sh!t busybody in the chest so he falls over backwards as the rest of the team video this corporate happy slapping incident on their mobiles. Alonso dons a specially crafted wig and realises his powers have returned, putting in a highly convincing charge through the field and is back to his old ways with a brilliant sulk on lap 36 when Lewis goes a bit faster on a similar fuel load and worn prime tyres.

Having both retired early from the race Fisi and Ralf are seen knocking on every team truck door going "Gis a job" and "we're brill we are youknow, bestest drivers in the world" in a pitch so convincing that Spyker insist that they "Will be in contact but we do have a lot of other people to talk to but you're likely to be called back for another interview in a few months so stay in touch and if it was just up to me you'd be in today ok?"

The Ferrari’s make a convincing run to an eventual 8th and 11th place as the team insist that the MaccaMercs are blatant copies of an idea they had late last year to make a "really good car that, you know can win a lot of races and be very quick", the FIA decide to investigate these "very serious claims" and decide as a contingency plan to dock points for all races that Mclaren have ever scored since the dawn of time and confiscate all their trophies in a move that has the unforeseen consequences that there aren’t enough trucks in the UK to transport all the Woking silverware and that the whole FIA budget for 2008 has to be rethought as they desperately need to buy loads of Mr Sheen and Brasso polish.

So at the flag its:

1. Sir Lewis Hamilton, CBE, KBE, OBE, CBE and Pipe smoker of the year.
2. Haiku Covarleineneninggngngngngnnnumeenen
3. Alonso; Thank you, you may go now and no we don’t think the leaving party is really going to happen and I'm washing my hair tonight anyway and Trev from the fabrication shop said that there’s a repeat of Inspector Morse on TV tonight and his videos bust too so he can’t come and Rons doing some wallpapering and Norberts got a funny tummy, er, we were going to have a whip round for a present and a card but it kind of got forgotten, er, sorry…

On his way home back to FIA HQ in Paris, Max Mosleys' plane develops a technical fault and is forced 100's of miles off course and has to make an emergency landing at Glasgow airport, official FIA TV reports say he is greeted by rapturous crowd of wellwishers and with a cry of "you all look like flippin music hall entertainers" they rush towards him brandishing the traditional Scottish gifts of hand crafted old recycled glassware to show their full appreciation of him….

Posted by The Predictor at October 21, 2007, 3:22 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, satire, 2007, brazil, hamilton, alonso, massa, mclaren