Rogue Prediction, Monaco 2008

Qualli:

1. Kubica

Race:

1. Kovileineneneen
2. Raikkonen
3. Webber (yes, really...)

High Attrition race totally overshadowed by Mosleys' off track shenanigans which has caused security furore with some bloke from International Exports (aka James Bond PLC) losing his job because his missus was apparently one of the, er, professional ladies in that video ( well, it's a living I guess, possibly brings in the shopping money).

All a bit tedious now eh? I mean, lets have a proper $ex scandal like Profumo or something at least then we got some tasteful arty pics of Christine Keeler ( though frankly I preferred the classic pic of Peter Cooke in the same pose...)"

Posted by The Predictor at May 24, 2008, 8:30 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, monaco, 2008, hamilton, monte carlo

Rogue Prediction, Brazil 2007

Hmm, so this is it. The grand finale. A three way fight for the prize between a Phlegmatic closet Gorilla impersonator, a slightly tetchy bloke who's only true regret is that he cut his hair to impress his new boss on his first day at work (and then allegedly saw Gordon Murray in the Macca Woking HQ canteen with his long flowing mullet and Sex Pistols T-Shirt and promptly broke down sobbing and wailing that "Flavio warned me about this but I was a fool not to listen")  and an innocent child who, according to certain parts of the British press, has found he has near godlike qualities and can turn Evian into Volvic (as he’s still too young to actually drink).

Interlagos is an odd place to end up as it’s basically like having a high class Casino on a council refuse site and open prison, Lewis has stated the he "feels a bit odd" there but that’s probably someone just trying to grope around for his wallet, watch, Nikes, shoelaces, teeth etc. Indeed the Anti-clockwise nature of the track tends to throw up all manner of issues for the drivers to tackle such as falling billboards on the start-finish line, open sewers at turn three, stray dogs running loose on the infield, the body of a horse across the apex of Turn 7, some "slightly dodgy" people standing on the corner at turn six looking at the drivers in a funny way and whispering to each other, a burned out Fiat Palio in the paddock and people trying to nick your wheels and radio aerial whilst you are stationary in the pit, all of which make a slightly sore neck the least of your worries. Actually if memory serves correctly, Minardi team-members always used to be the ones who would always get mugged when staying in Sao Paolo. Minardi, not Ferrari! I mean, that’s like having the choice of nicking a Rolex or a Timex off someone and going for the Timex cos you don’t want to be seen to be too greedy (and lets face it Rolex's are a bit gaudy anyway).

Interlagos is a place of tradition so after first two false starts (one caused by Ralf Schumacher having to stop and ask locals for directions to the nearest job centre) and the annual six car pile up the race eventually starts in earnest and all goes well until halfway round lap one Alex Wurz hits a Giant Panda called Wang-Wang that was a gift from the Peoples Republic of China in 1987, 9ft 6in tall Alex soldiers on valiantly for another 40 laps before realising that he didn’t actually leave China weeks back and is driving a taxi at high speed round a Shanghai Petting Zoo. Rubens' race is constantly hindered by him crying with joy all the time and when interviewed later he says the he’s simply "so happy to be able to race to 21st place in front of his home crowd" later the Honda team present him with a gift of a toupee in recognition of not letting minor hair-loss and a dire drive get in the way of mediocrity in 2007. Jenson finally gets to grips with the recalcitrant Google earth car when he realises that its actually quite handy in the wet and, not wishing to let a dry race hinder his hopes of a podium, builds a pebble bubble fountain next to turn one with a garden gnome cunningly disguised as Bernie Ecclestone to throw off overly-inquisitive FIA officials, indeed this is so effective that Max Mosley spends a good 45minutes deep in discussion with the gaudy plastic effigy and later claims it’s their most productive meeting yet and is now confident that the 2008 Concorde agreement can be signed by all parties.

The FIA "white helmet" independent observer placed in the Mclaren garage to see that fair play is maintained at all times realises the danger of his job when the entire pit crew surround him and start pushing him round a bit, putting a sign saying "kick me" on his back whilst Norbert Haug gets down on all fours behind him and Ron shoves the unsuspecting little sh!t busybody in the chest so he falls over backwards as the rest of the team video this corporate happy slapping incident on their mobiles. Alonso dons a specially crafted wig and realises his powers have returned, putting in a highly convincing charge through the field and is back to his old ways with a brilliant sulk on lap 36 when Lewis goes a bit faster on a similar fuel load and worn prime tyres.

Having both retired early from the race Fisi and Ralf are seen knocking on every team truck door going "Gis a job" and "we're brill we are youknow, bestest drivers in the world" in a pitch so convincing that Spyker insist that they "Will be in contact but we do have a lot of other people to talk to but you're likely to be called back for another interview in a few months so stay in touch and if it was just up to me you'd be in today ok?"

The Ferrari’s make a convincing run to an eventual 8th and 11th place as the team insist that the MaccaMercs are blatant copies of an idea they had late last year to make a "really good car that, you know can win a lot of races and be very quick", the FIA decide to investigate these "very serious claims" and decide as a contingency plan to dock points for all races that Mclaren have ever scored since the dawn of time and confiscate all their trophies in a move that has the unforeseen consequences that there aren’t enough trucks in the UK to transport all the Woking silverware and that the whole FIA budget for 2008 has to be rethought as they desperately need to buy loads of Mr Sheen and Brasso polish.

So at the flag its:

1. Sir Lewis Hamilton, CBE, KBE, OBE, CBE and Pipe smoker of the year.
2. Haiku Covarleineneninggngngngngnnnumeenen
3. Alonso; Thank you, you may go now and no we don’t think the leaving party is really going to happen and I'm washing my hair tonight anyway and Trev from the fabrication shop said that there’s a repeat of Inspector Morse on TV tonight and his videos bust too so he can’t come and Rons doing some wallpapering and Norberts got a funny tummy, er, we were going to have a whip round for a present and a card but it kind of got forgotten, er, sorry…

On his way home back to FIA HQ in Paris, Max Mosleys' plane develops a technical fault and is forced 100's of miles off course and has to make an emergency landing at Glasgow airport, official FIA TV reports say he is greeted by rapturous crowd of wellwishers and with a cry of "you all look like flippin music hall entertainers" they rush towards him brandishing the traditional Scottish gifts of hand crafted old recycled glassware to show their full appreciation of him….

Posted by The Predictor at October 21, 2007, 3:22 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, satire, 2007, brazil, hamilton, alonso, massa, mclaren

Rogue Prediction, China 2007

And so to Shanghai where the paddock is once again rife with rumor and innuendo after the startling expose of THAT footage where it was proven categorically that driving an F1 car down a river in full flood can be a bit of dodgy affair and is a little bit taxing for certain individuals. In a dramatic and emotional interview, Webber takes a conciliatory line:

"Well, in my F*%$*ng option that $£%^er F*&@@£$g W*&(*@@ercan just B@*&%$@ well go an £$****&@ his little @£$$ up that @$$** cos I think @@$%£*** is a huge @@*&r so there, and as for @@%$% little crybaby @^^&&$% T@@%$ers all of them every last one... what? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME???? Do you want a slap?"

Webber has to make a hasty retraction of his comments when it is discovered that the word "£$****&@" originated from graffiti in the Ferrari team toilet block in Maranello and a global witch-hunt ensues as to who leaked this information to the RedBull team.

The FIA capitulate and accepted that grainy, low quality, inexpertly filmed footage from a 0.5 megapixel camera or indeed an old super 8 footage ( where just after each "incident" the camera is dropped by the dimwit user) is now admissible as evidence of a drivers wrongdoing. Hamilton’s punishment for winning the last race and leading the championship is so severe that he is forced to start the race in a small basement car park in downtown Beijing. Torro Rosso (which kind of sounds less like an energy drink and more and more like some kind of cheap red wine you'd take to a party, leave on the side amongst the rest of the booze and then grab an unopened bottle of Glenmorangie from the Host’s drinks cabinet and retire to the Everest UPVC conservatory where you spend the next 4 hours pretend listening to some bloke called Gerald boring you with talks of how exciting it is to be a quantity surveyor before you eventually loose the will to live and the ability to stand) , spurred on by this as an excuse for Veltins moment of brain fade where he was changing a CD, combing his hair and using his mobile while driving hand, out nearly 120,000 video cameras to the Chinese race fans and a whole can of worms is opened...

The global TV audience are treated to, what on the surface seems a cut and dried race where Lewis is pronounced as the new Messiah ( bringing peace and harmony to all nations of the world with his boyish good looks and sponsor friendly demeanor) where he laps the entire field 8 times and stops to sign autographs and sort out a lucrative book deal and wink like a cheeky chappie at the TV cameras halfway through, however after trawling through almost  1.9Bn hours of Youtube footage after the race, Frank Toast from Terry Toweling F1 makes some startling discoveries:

Alonso was on the grassy knoll though the angle of the shot looks like it might not be quite right

Lewis' dad tapping his watch and telling his young charge that he can only stay out 10 minutes more and then it really is his bedtime.
Massa being responsible from the loss of several large container ships within the Bermuda triangle and the subsequent hit single by Barry Manilow.

Vettel seen with a copy of the AA's "how to drive" book for learners and a pair of water wings

Jean Todt captured on CCTV wearing dark glasses, false beard, hat and trench-coat with a large envelope at the Shangai main post office, the address on the letter is unclear except for the word "Woking"…

Max Mosely is seen laughing manically like a power crazed demi god dispensing cruel lightning justice on all (unless they drive a red car).

The Ferrari pit crew are seen all gathered around a laptop PC with a copy of "Windows for dummies" trying to get their E-mail to work
The Sauber team sawing off Kubicas' legs to get him to fit in the car.

Grainy footage of a hill in the US appears to show clear evidence of the existence of the fabeled Yeti or "Sasquatch" but in fact its Kimi going out for a drink in Helsinki.

The Honda pit crew over- polishing Jenson’s car before the race, rubbing some of the paint off to expose a black and red colour scheme and sponsor logos that seems to say "European Aviation"

Martin Brundle is seen making obscene hand gestures behind James Allen’s back every time he's speaking in the mic.

Ralf Schumacher’s race performance for Toyota having all the panache, commitment and energy of Britney Spears singing at this years' MTV awards, in fact its virtually impossible to tell the two apart.

And finally most shocking of all:

Nick Heidfleld is Elvis

Er,
Ok,

1. Lewis
2. Massa
3. Kubica

Posted by The Predictor at October 7, 2007, 10:15 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, satire, 2007, china, hamilton, webber, ferrari

Vettel did it after all?

Yes well it did kind of look erratic

However to my untrained eye he looked like he took a tighter line into the left-hander in order to avoid hitting the back of the safety car (that was braking into the corner) then had to brake slightly (as you cant overtake the safety car without being physically pulled from the cockpit and beaten with sticks by Charlie Whiting operating under direct mind control from "Mad" Max) so Webber has to back off and so does Vettel who is, of course, a Rookie…so: very wet race, safety car, slight misunderstanding and a novice driver = crash and liberal use of the word F**k in pit interviews by the best Aussie driver since Allan Jones ( oh hang on, the only Aussie driver since…)

Really not sure if this can be admitted as evidence to the race stewards (though I’m bound to be proven wrong here) as its 5 days too late and was not available at the time and isn’t from an official source and lest face it, we could get the 1994 world championship taken from Schmui and given to Damon (HORAY!) if that’s the case eh so lets not start a precedent...

Oh and I seem to remember Vettel hit the back of Alonso’s car a few laps earlier causing severe damage to his floorpan and diffuser and potentially contributing to his later crash so, and follow me here, Vettel should have been black flagged for that incident so he wouldn’t have been on the track to crash into the back of Webber who, lets face it was sufficiently aware of Lewis to not crash into him.

Ergo, its still all Vettel's fault and I say don’t push him back ten places on the Shanghai grid, put him straight to the back…

AND WATCH HIM CRY!!!!!!!!

Posted by The Predictor at October 5, 2007, 8:59 am - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, vettel, hamilton, webber, japan, 2007, crash, safety car, joke, satire

Ferrari: Hamilton title would be tainted

Lewis Hamilton will have to thank Ferrari if he wins the Formula One title in China this weekend, according to the Italian team's president Luca di Montezemolo.

"I still think that in the spying affair it was a big mistake not to disqualify the McLaren drivers as well," * the Gazzetta dello Sport web site quoted him as saying after Sunday's Japanese Grand Prix.

"It means that if Hamilton wins the championship, he will also win it thanks to Ferrari because there is a lot of Ferrari in his car." **

McLaren were fined $100 million and stripped of all their constructors' points by the governing International Automobile Federation (FIA) last month for having Ferrari technical information *** in their possession.

However, the drivers escaped sanctions because the FIA said they had been granted an amnesty in exchange for providing evidence.****

Hamilton, 22, can become the first rookie to win the championship as well as the youngest world champion if he wins this Sunday's penultimate race of the season in Shanghai.

The Briton leads teammate and double world champion Fernando Alonso by 12 points after the Spaniard crashed in Fuji. *****

Ferrari have won the constructors' championship.*****


* because this has never happened to Ferrari ever, ever at all, though there was that incident a few years ago but we wont mention that.

** When pressed on this matter a Ferrari spokesman said that "well, it looks a bit like ours and if you look closely they cynically copied the number of wheels and its got a V8 so that proves it, only its silver. Er, and its faster."

***that amounted to, not so much a smoking gun, more a bit of smoke with no gun to be seen or indeed a very slight whiff of something that may or may not have been the smell of smoke that might have come from a smoking gun or perhaps from an ashtray but lets not let that get in the way of some good old fashioned "Western Justice " so we'll just go find a suitable tree, some rope and a horse as you can never be too careful with these things you know…

**** see above…
***** Which Ferrari managed not to win, hmm?
****** Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted by The Predictor at October 3, 2007, 10:12 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, joke, ferrari, hamilton, mclaren, 2007

Rogue Prediction, Japan 2007

Pole position will be a contentious issue. Much strong debate will rage throughout the courtroom and the appeals process. The first jury will be dismissed for failing to come to proper verdict and the second is mysteriously infiltrated by a suspicious number of Italians. A third jury is then hurriedly sworn in amid chaotic scenes and a media feeding frenzy outside the court. After a forensic review of e-mails, deliberation of much circumstantial evidence (originally discounted as idle hearsay) and a startling review of the case of Mansell vs Prost of '85 that created a legal precedent the Hon Justice Mosley reaches the startling conclusion that everyone will start from the pitlane in an order decided by a game of pass the parcel.

In the race Ferrari employ a new legal team that allows radical interpretation of paternity law allowing Massa to gain an early lead but a restraining order hurriedly gained by BMW gets Kubica out in front by the first pit stop. After being forced to pay reparations and a night in the cells for contempt Alonso makes it to second only to fall foul of a failed double indemnity argument. Hamilton stuns his critics and court officials alike when he makes a late application for a point of order that results in a fast change to primary tyres and full fuel catapulting him into contention whilst avoiding a counter argument in the European court of human rights. A tell-all book deal from the Super Aguri team is blocked from publication in an obscure libel action from Spyker in a small courtroom in the Ukraine but it finally comes out, the document having been leaked to the press in Venezuala whose government does not recognize the Spyker counter-suit. Schumi jnr breaks down in the dock during an emotional cross examination from Williams-Toyotas' counsel as the Toyota team scream objections to their argument that "he’s not that good anyway" whilst Trulli manages to perjure himself. Bernie Ecclestone yells "you Can’t Handle the TRUTH!!!!" when finally being forced to make the stand as a character witness to Raikkonens' last ditch effort to prevent a class action from the League of Gorilla Impersonators of America for defamation of character...

The case continues...

Oh alright then:

1. Hamilton
2. Kimi
3. Kubica

Posted by The Predictor at September 27, 2007, 12:53 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, japan, 2007, offcamber

Rogue Prediction, Turkey 2007

A wise man once said that "A war without casualties wouldn’t be a war, it would just be like a silly argument with lots of pushing and shoving" and so here we are with two of the finest drivers in the world acting like two members of the WWF championship, each seizing the microphone of a very enthusiastic ringmaster and yelling at each other before pretended punching each other, or, if you are of a certain age perhaps its more like ITV Saturday afternoon wrestling from the early 70's that I felt was one of those moments where I could sit down in front of the TV with my admittedly very non-sports loving Grandfather ( this was our grandparent-grandson bonding moment)  and watch mesmerised as Big Daddy (whose first name was Marion, who'd have thunk it eh?) b!tch slapped Kendo Nagasaki into oblivion, well I think there was actual cultural content there and anyway it brings back the halcyon days of Dickie Davies and "World of Sport" with those Planes towing the titles which in 1974 looked pretty darn exciting, but I digress.

Of course in the 1970's the animosity on track we now see between Hamilton and Alonso  would have played out a bit differently, Hamilton would have a huge Afro, big shades and skin tight bright yellow leather race suit covered in STP and JPS logos, Alonso would have big hair and a Jason King stylee 'tache and sideburns and we would have seen a proper punch up in the pits just like on "the Rockford files" or Starsky and Hutch: both would have stamped out a post quallly Gailoise/Rothmans/Old Holborn, put down their double whiskies and proceeded to "Tw@t each other senseless" before grabbing two or three grid girls each, nick a rental Ford Cortina GXL off  their team boss and exit the course at high speed tailsliding towards the nearest Berni Inn then on to the "Dellusions niteclub" then on to motel on the outskirts of Nantwich where all sorts of comings and goings would occur that would be headline reading in the following weeks' Daily Mirror where six loose women would tell all. The next day the two drivers would finish a chummy 1-2 in cars made from 0.1mm thick pop-riveted alluminium with a $5000 DVF engine and a leaky fuel tank, spray the Champers, mourn for several seconds the 4 back of the grid drivers who died in a horrific fireball that day and all animosity would be forgotten. And you know what; we’d love em for it.

Anyway,

Turkey:

Pole: Hamilton

1. Hamster
2. Massa
3. Alonso

Posted by The Predictor at August 24, 2007, 10:52 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: massa, alonso, hamilton, turkey, 2007, f1, formula1, formula one

Rogue Prediction, Britain 2007

The f1 paddock is rife with rumor and intrigue after the discovery of a massive scandal involving many people across a whole gamut of disciplines from almost every team (with the notable exception of Spyker who are too dull) from the most lowly cleaner to the highest paid technical director. A paper trail of e-mails, faxes, untraceable phone calls and secret meetings will hopeful be concluded soon with the result that Ralf Schumacher (or Adrian Sutil) can be blamed after a short but compelling witch-hunt and be publicly flogged on the starting grid by Bernie Ecclestone in a worldwide TV event seen by approx 75% of the planets' population. James Allen will be implicated as an accomplice in the alleged "Stepneygate" affair and will be punished by Max Mosley giving him a really rather painful Chinese burn whilst the Silverstone crowd cheer him on and the Red Arrows do a flypast and display including their new formation "Albers" which involves all 9 planes flying really slowly and erratically then the last plane tries to crash into either:

• the ground, 
• at least 4 of the others ,
• a VC10 air to air tanker

Or, all of the above whilst the whole squadron is put up for auction on E-Bay and red leader tries to sue all the other airforces of the world for using much better bought-in planes and that’s just not on I say.

Torrential rain is the order of the day and whilst Bridgestone demo their new range of  wet weather tyres: Drizzel, Damp intervals, and Quick-Better get the washing in this looks like it might go on for a while and I did the Duvet today isn’t that flippin typical. Hamilton simply walks on water and wins before being elevated to simultaneous saint and knighthood.

So at the flag its:

1. Hamilton.
2. Hidefelt
3. Button, (who? you ask)

Due to podium peer pressure, after the race Lewis tries unsuccessfully to grow a beard whilst being interviewed by a very excited Louise Goodman who's breathless first question goes like this: "Well Lewis,Ohhhhhhhh another fantastic win, Mmmmmmmmmmmm I could just eat you all up, yummmmmmm, and frankly I'm game, OOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAaaaaahhhhhhhhhh how about it then?" and James Allen mumbles "hey! I was going to say that…"

Er, allegedly….

Posted by The Predictor at July 6, 2007, 12:29 am - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, britain, 2007, mclaren, ferrari, espionage, silverstone, bernie, schumacher, hamilton