Rogues Review: Spain 2008: Walls hurt

Rarely is a race in Spain a good one. There have been the notable exceptions, Mansell and Senna dueling down the main straight, Schumacher mastering the rain like no other. Sadly this race was not to be such an awe inspiring event. It was an event though. The whole world held their breath as Kovalainen plunged into the tyre wall.

I’ve seen two such plunges. In 1999 Silverstone witnessed Schumacher plunge from the track after locking up. After skimming across the gravel the high speed impact on the wall broke his leg and lost him the championship. He was OK save the leg and ultimately it was one of those incidents that happens. Just like Kovalainen’s, something broke just at the wrong point.

At Spa in 2001, Luciano Burti plunged in the tyre wall and almost disappeared under a mountain of tyres at the exit of one of the high speed corners on the main straight. This was not a part failure, this was a poor overtaking move from Eddie Irvine. The Irishman also left the track but was not harmed. Irvine took part in the rescue attempt, even getting a vehicle to pull out the Prost of Burti from under the tyres. Burti suffered, from this impact, with concussion. Kovalainen had much of the same, except he did not get injured. Not really. Sure a bump or two and massive headache but he was lucky that we are in a modern age. Greater drivers have died for less.

Whilst this post has taken a somewhat somber mood, we will attempt to lighten it with some funny remarks about all the other drivers that did the ridiculous. Sadly, there was simply not enough to offset the meat wagon that took away Kovalainen. Barrichello and Piquet, however, did manage to provide some sort of comic interlude.

Barrichello managed to break his nose cone during a pit stop. It’s been a good long while since some dramatic has happened in the pits - with the odd exception of a member of a pit crew being run over. Unlike the unlucky Barrichello, Piquet just managed to be stupid. Having a little on and off moment is embarrassing enough, but hitting a slower car whilst trying to regain your race position is even more stupid.

For pure rogue behavior we have to look, in this race, to Sato and Massa. Massa proved that hand waving still works as he vented some first waving fun at a back marker. When being passed by Coulthard Sato got our attention, going a bit wide whilst Coulthard tried to overtake around the outside, Sato dummied Coulthard that he was going to drive into him. This superb flick of the wrists sent Coulthard yet wider and Sato held out for another lap. Not his usual contact method of trying to stay in front but none the less enjoyable.

What's hot and what's not in the race

Shiiiiiiit! Dummy Hand shaking fun Nearly there Season standard Kovalainen Sato Massa Alonso Räikkönen Walls are harder than they look Old dogs can be taught new tricks Venting spleen On the way up! The Ice Man is back...

Posted by Jules at April 28, 2008, 11:27 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, 2008, spain, sato, massa, barrichello, Kovalainen, alonso, raikkonen

Rogues Review: Bahrain 2008: We won't mention videos...

With a slight delay due to some temporary relocation of the F1Rogues team to the island the now call the UK to be soon renamed The United Kingdom of Hamilton we being out review of the last race…

Well, I promised when I restarted all this that I would never review what did not happen during the race. Therefore I will not be at all mentioning anything alleged about sex games, grey haired men and prison service. Suffice to say that we can replace any temptation to do that by laughing continuously at Hamilton and his feeble attempts to overtake Spanish ex-teammates.

The race itself promised much but on the whole failed to deliver. We had placed all our money on a Ferrari 1-2 to the gravel trap at the first corner skillfully aided by a shove from a BMW. It seemed inevitable that Kubica would lose his pole position at the getaway so he should have made sure he got it back… Senna style.

To say the race was without incident would not be true. There was plenty of action on the track with both Sutil and Vettel both suffering from engine issues, Piquet having handling issues which resulted in a spin or two, as well as Buttons somewhat clumsy overtaking maneuver on David Coulthard. Both Button and Hamilton proved that when you have a point to prove, you can make it best by running into another car – yes the car is crap and no I don’t know how to overtake. Ultimately this cost both drivers their races. Button had an early bath and Hamilton just struggled to do anything of any note. Unless the fact that we all noted he did nothing worthwhile in the whole race, then, well, he did something note worthy…..

What's hot and what's not in the race

Blind? No room Which way do I drive? Back on track Polish invasion Hamilton Button Piquet Massa Kubica Hard to miss these Renaults Ram braking works better Handling issues? Stolen on the first lap New world order starts NOW!

Posted by Jules at April 9, 2008, 3:38 pm - Comments (0)
Tagged as: alonso, coulthard, vettel, massa, button, kubica, bahrain, 2008, hamilton, movie, video, mosley, max, f1, formula1, formula one

Rogue Prediction, Bahrain 2008

Well, after all the shenanigans of the last week the Lemmy does an Anne Summers party that is the F1 circus come to Bahrain where it tries desperately to put a brave face on, clench its teeth and say a terse "thank-you sir, may I have another" after every stinging blow.

Massa and Raikonenenenen after free practice get caught in a dubious set-up position (found on page 65 of the special FIA guidebook) and spend the rest of the weekend smarting as their initial enthusiasm turns to agony leading to excessive bottoming-out and get badly bruised leading to a poor finish. The McLaren duo feel vindicated in their clear understanding of the safety word car and use this to their advantage before things get out of hand late in the race eading them to both be on top at the flag to gasps of astonishment from the crowd. Honda continue to push hard feeling that they can further penetrate the upper reaches of the grid with only minor complaining allowing a late frenzy on lap 45 and a surprise finish of 4th and 6th. Groans all round at the BMW camp as both drivers moan about the slippery conditions and low traction exacerbated by a poor rubber choice as the team manager attempts to whip up support amongst the mechanics with perhaps a little too much enthusiasm leading to general complaints and obviously lacking a gentle touch with subordinates. Force India draft in an expert in such matters and proove their Tantric-like endurance and general flexibly to a get 8th place points finish for Fisi. Further suspension stiffness worries abound at RedBull as they continue to find themselves unable to go the whole distance despite spanking a…oh sorry...a spanking new rear end. The Torro Rosso team complain after being unduly slapped about in an incident at turn 1 by another car attempting unexpectedly to (over)take them roughly from the rear of the grid, allowing one of the Super Aguri’s in a dramatic maneuver, tightly zipped into tenth place, the driver masked by...

er...think I'd better stop there eh?

1. Hamilton,
2. Kovi,
3. Raikonenenenenenenenenen (  I've got some "special magazines" if you need any more ideas, no? Ok then can I use the "outfit" once your done with it? No, please clean it first...)

Posted by Jules at April 9, 2008, 10:00 am - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, 2008, bahrain, joke

Rogues Review: Malaysia 2008: Back to normal

After the start of term, life is back to normal. Malaysia without rain is always going to be dull and this year’s was no exception. Miles and miles of gravel and a track so wide it would rival Heathrow’s main runway, means that the racers have no excuses but to avoid each other, ample space for all with even enough room to park a Minky Whale in between the cars.

Back in the good old days of Michael Andretti, we were treated to an off track moment right from the second the race started. When Andretti left F1, complaining something about having to turn right as well as left we thought those days were over. Now we have Bourdais. Now, in the last race he impressed everyone at F1 Rogues, this race he impressed us yet more. Almost at the very start, Bourdais managed to find the gravel and an early shower by himself.

After that the race slipped into the usual pattern, some cars going off and then on again. The off again, then on again and so on. Glock was mostly helped off the track by Rosberg who ended up with a trip to the pits to put a new nose on as a result. By lap 19 we were up to the first round of stops. Hamilton, desperate to make up time after suffering a 5 place grid penalty, had an agonizingly slow pit stop. The right front tyre men had trouble with their job and it was a 20 second pit stop from hell. Oh, how we love it!!!!

For the remainder of the race not much happened, a few more offs and ons and off and ons later, Massa managed to park it well and truly in the gravel. Never quite being as good as his teammate is beginning to show already… Vettel was next to in suffering from a blown engine which was the same fate that met his teammate in Australia.

Lastly we pay special homage to Barrichello. In the last race, he got a stop go penalty and was disqualified and this race he continued his new tradition. A drive though for speeding in the pit lane will easily see him become F1 Rogues top driver of 2008…

What's hot and what's not in the race

*Still* Man of the year Not good enough! Pit stop from hell Path to glory Back on top Barrichello Massa Hamilton Kubica Räikkönen Less penalties. Overall improvement Beached whale Need a new pit crew! Good start to the year The Ice Man is back...

Posted by Jules at March 25, 2008, 12:05 am - Comments (0)
Tagged as: formula one, formula1, f1, 2008, hamilton, kubica, barrichello, rosberg, raikkonen, malaysia