The following is a transcription of our post race interview:

“Click” “test, test”

F1R: Ok, we are good to go here. Today we will be welcoming Michael Shoe-smasher & Lewis Hamfist (background voice “No surprises there”) & Narain Karthi-I-think-I-keyan.

Ahhh, here comes Michael now, I hear him klomping up the stairs.

MS: “Ralf, Ralf, lend me your glasses there’s something weaving left and right in front of me.”

RS: “Michael, that’s your chin!”

F1R: Welcome Michael, please, sit down…. NO! Not there, that’s the bar fridge!

MS: Idiot place to put a bar fridge, right at the edge of a room, up against a wall.

F1R: ummm, well that’s the normal place for a fridge in a hotel room Michael.

MS: I knew that.

F1R: Where is Lewis?

MS: Stopped half way up the stairs, ran into him on the way up in fact, literally.

F1R: Stopped, why?

MS: He was muttering Force of Nature or something?? Yelling at Metric Whitworth about not enough gas, only 1.3 litres.

F1R: What about Narain, where is he?

MS: Threw a shoe on Level 26.

F1R: Christ in a teacup, I don’t get paid enough for this!!!

MS: You get paid!!?? You dress like someone Mother Theresa would give up on.

LH: “Hey Shoe-Smasher, toss me some gas, I’m all out!”

MS: Sure, I have some spare… catch!

F1R: Arrgghhh wrong way, that’s the mood candles

“Whooommphh!!!”

End Transcript

© CaterhamF1

Schumacher has won our Spanish Grand Prix but a knat’s whisker beating the young upstart, that is Hamilton, but just a single point. Third place was followed a few points behind by Karthikeyan who had a bad weekend where his car spend most of the time at the side of the track cooling down that actually going around the track. Both Schumacher and Hamilton had good races, from a rogue point of view with Schumacher – scoring his first win since Belgium 2011 – scoring all but one of his points for running Senna off the road, blaming Senna and then getting penalized. The day could have been better.

Hamilton’s weekend was more consistent. Racking up considerable points during the practice sessions due to a higher than usual number of spins and offs, Hamilton was able to regain control of his car, set it in a straight line and grab pole only to have it stripped from him for running out of fuel. McLaren’s defense was “force majeur” which is french for “we screwed up” and the stewards did not buy the reason so a meaty punishment was handed out. We at F1Rogues tried to work out who was the last pole sitter to be relegated to the back by the stewards; we failed to find someone in recent times so, good job Lewis!

So, as we head into the European season, it’s fair to say the Ball has had a mixed bag of performances like most competitors, with some stunningly accurate predictions and some woefully inadequate drivel.

The big question though is, will it be five different drivers winning the first five races?  If it is, it will be the first time since a while back that if I could be arsed to look up, I could tell you.

McLaren’s high nose makes its debut although the team deny it’s based on how Ron Dennis walks around all the time.  Ferrari have opened a new box of Lego and made some pieces that wont work, but it will allow a new line in excuses to be formed, having used up a season’s quota so far.

Mercedes have announced that they will hold a special ceremony over the weekend where Nico Rosberg will receive his Michael Schumacher School of Blocking Diploma after his excellent performances against Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso.

Friday

Having tested in Barcelona as well as Mugello a few days ago, the Friday is as interesting as lecture on sartorial elegance from Jackie Stewart.  Few laps are done because either the hard tyre is too hard to work as there’s no rubber down, or the soft wears out too quickly before the teams have got their cars dialled in.

Still, there’s a few misdemeanours including a trip into the gravel for Vettel, a front wing breakage for Maldonado against a tyre wall and an HRT sets a record through the speed trap for the day – shame it was in the pit lane though and de la Rosa collects a $5,000 fine for his efforts.

Qualifying

Lotus, oh hell, I mean Caterham are back where we expect and neither cars gets through Q3 along with the Marussias and HRTs.  Jean-Eric Vergne, determined not to be eliminated again in Q3, is eliminated again in Q3…

Q2 sees the usual rush for the front, but Ren.. Lotus mess up by think they’re safe and keeping Grosjean in the pits and he falls to 12^th in the rush for the line.  As usual, both McLarens, Mercedes and Red Bulls get through.  Also, as usual, Massa doesn’t and he too joins Perez, Hulkenburg, Ricciardo, Senna and Maldonado.

The top ten shoot out doesn’t disappoint, although Hamilton missing the apex at turn 1 screws his hot lap up and Vettel wags his finger through to P1 followed by Alonso, virtually carried there by the crowd, Hamilton, Button, Webber, Raikkonen, Rosberg, Schumacher, di Resta and Kobayashi.

Later, Red Bull are summoned to the Spanish stewards when post-qualifying checks reveal him to be ‘too German’ and his is docked five places, amazingly promoting Spaniard Alonso to pole…  Who would have guessed that?

Race

It’s a fairly ordered start as the cars file through the first lap in pretty much qualifying order.  Lap 2, however, is anything but quiet as Schumacher goes to overtake his team-mate.  Despite all the talk of respect, the young charger repeats his Bahrain manoeuvre, but Michael’s having none of it and sticks his chin into the gap, but all he manages to do is take them both out in an explosion of silver arrows.  Norbert Haug loses it on the pit wall, rips his headphones off, slings them across the pit-lane before storming into the garage kicking everything in his path.  Lee McKenzie tries to ask him if he’s ‘disappointed’…

The silver Mercedes pile up brings out the, er, silver Mercedes Safety Car for five laps.  At the re-start Alonso is caught napping by Vettel who forces his way through at turn 1.  Offline, he also loses out to Hamilton and Raikkonen.

Further back Senna loses another front wing on Hulkenberg’s rear tyre and then compounds his error by trying to get back too quickly, riding the kerbs which force the wing under his car, raise the front wheels off the ground and he spears across the track, taking out Karthikayen’s HRT.

Button comes into play as drivers try to make the most of the tyres and the Englishman’s ability to nurse his tyres means McLaren fooled everyone when he does 28 laps on his last set of tyres and inherits the lead with ten laps to go.

Being chased down by Vettel and Hamilton, he comes across a squabbling Vergne and Glock.  Despite the blue flags they don’t see him and he’s forced to take evasive action to avoid a collision.  Both miscreants get deserved drive-though penalties and also some interesting waved signs from the McLaren pit crew as they pass by.

Massa – remember him? Well, he’s been battling hard all race in 14^th and on the last lap forces his way past Ricciardo.  The fact that the Australian’s engine had just blown up was immaterial to the Brazilian.

So, a fairly dull race, Button wins, Vettel is second, Hamilton third and Webber, taking fourth for the fifth race in succession after passing Raikkonen when his tyres fall off again.  Alonso ends up sixth and di Resta grabs an impressive seventh from Kobayashi, Maldonado and Perez rounding off the top 10.

Mercedes cancel their award ceremony…

When Gilles reached 15 he was bough a red MG A by his father to potter around in. It was still to be a year before he could acquire his driving license but he had already got his eye on the new family car, a 1966 Pontiac Grand Parisienne. He was allowed to drive the car around nearby streets in payment for washing the vehicle but this proved not to be enough. Gilles had an extra set of Keys made on the quiet.

One Friday Seville dropped Gilles and a friend off a local party before driving home and retiring to bed. Unbeknown to him Gilles and his friend snuck back from the party whilst the Villeneuve family was asleep. Bringing into play his set of keys he had made, the fifteen years old Gilles and his friend pushed the car safely out of ear shot before starting it and driving away. Even in the rainy conditions he approached the top speed of the car which Gilles’ driving revealed to be around 108 mph. Suddenly he came upon a sharp curve; skidding out of control he hit a curb and literally wrapped the Pontiac around a telephone pole.

The two boys were unhurt and rushed home under the veil of darkness. As Gilles climbed into bed the phone rang. It was the police informing Seville that his car had been stolen and wrecked. Gilles had always been told to tell the truth and when he admitted that he was the driver the family could not claim on the insurance and lost $4000 as Gilles was under age. He was not punished further as his parents believed that the crash coupled with the financial loss made the point for Gilles. (Adapted from Gilles Villeneuve: The life of the legendary racing driver. By Gerald Donaldson.)

In the second story we can see that Gilles lived up to the name that Enzo Ferrari gave him, “The High Priest of Destruction.” How could a poor hire car stand a chance? In his book F1 medical chief honcho Prof. Sid Watkins recalls this story of a car journey where Gilles was in the driving seat. Gilles asked Prof Watkins if he would drive his hire car back from the airport to the Hire Company, he agreed. Sid, as any gentleman, would have expected Joann, Gilles’ wife to sit in the passenger seat but due to Joann’s wishes he ended up in the front of the car with Gilles, whilst Mrs Villeneuve was in the back of the car. Sid turned around to talk to Joann and was surprised to find that she could not be seen in the back of the car. On further inspection Prof. Watkins found the rear seat passenger curled up on the floor of car, behind the passenger seat, he was soon to find out the reason for this! It must have been a terrifying journey for poor old Sid! He recalled how Gilles ran red lights bouncing lightly off other cars, lampposts and other objects with speed being the primary consideration. When they finally got to the airport and it was Sid’s turn to drive the car be could not make a getaway, Gilles had destroyed the clutch of the car and for a long while had been making his gear changes without the aid of a clutch. (Adapted from “Life at the Limit: Triumph and Tragedy in Formula One” Sid Watkins.)

This last story proves that Gilles was a racer no matter who’s car he drove. Walter Wolf, the ex-team principle asked a favour of Gilles. He had to take his BB Ferrari to Fiorano to get it serviced. Gilles, a fellow Monaco resident was pleased to do so. Gilles had a tendency to leave things like this to the last minute, an excuse to race possibly? Well the drive form Monte Carlo to Fiorano takes a normal person about five hours. A super quick driver may have been able to complete the same journey in three and half-hours. Gilles, ever the racer took two and three quarter hours. Needless to say poor old Walter’s BB was in worse condition than before it went for it’s servicing! (Adapted from interview with Walter Wolf :taken from “Formula Villeneuve” Video)

In conclusion. Gilles, in my opinion was the greatest of all time. He was the consummate racer and drove flat out all the time, whether it be a road car or race car. As Joann Villeneuve said “We just paid the speaking tickets.” This phenomenon of wrecking road cars and dangerous driving on public roads is a common theme for many F1 pilots. Ralph Firman allowed his young driver, Ayrton Senna to drive his personal car. By his own account the journey was terrifying “..He would go into a roundabout flat and sort it out when he was on the roundabout. I said ‘What if there is a tractor or something?’ but that would not happen to him, he was Ayrton Senna.” After this journey the car never drove the same again. Somehow I could not imagine Damon Hill, Niki Lauda or Alain Prost indulging in this kind of behavior.

Original story by Tris

© delayed gratification (Flickr)

Welcome to the Bahrain Grand Prix post race interview together with our top three drivers, Pastor Maldonado, Nic O’Rosberg and long standing rogue Michael Schumacher.

Today’s interview is brought to you from a Bedouin tent way out in the desert. Since the last race in China, the F1Rogues team has been hanging out with this tribe watching the sky coverage live via satellite. Bernie, so they tell us the camel is called, has been trained to stand still to make sure the satellite dish on his back keeps trained in the right direction so we can watch the races.
So after some carefully planned kidnapping, we give you the top three drivers!

F1R: So, we’ll start with you Pastor. That was a really great spin, tell us about it.

MAL: Well, I had a puncture from turn 1 and coming onto the straight I went for a 360 and it came off nicely. I had been watching the Dukes of Hazzard the night before; I think Luke would be proud!

F1R: Does that mean you are going for a jump over a lake next time?

MAL: No I am working on something special for Monaco!

F1R: Turning our attention to the only Irish driver in the field, Nic O’Rosberg, and the first runner up.

MAL: <mumbles> First loser more like…

F1R: Two times in this race you had an incident where another driver seemingly drove on the grass to avoid you.

ORO: Well, I was just driving minding my own business and they overtook me on the grass! It’s pretty dangerous to do you know, you can spin and everything. I think they were trying to get good points for crashing.

F1R: You don’t think you moved over and pushed them there? It was a great coincidence that it was in the same place on the track with the same move, was it not?

ORO: It’s the luck of the Irish or Murphy’s Law; I am not sure which…

F1R: Moving on to the greatest himself, Michael. How did you find this race?

MSC: Well, I can say that vith all my experiences it is strange that ich haben again once more lost to my younger, more good looking and sneller team friend. I did everything in de race I could. I sabotaged meine gearing box, I qualified scheise and I tried to push a few back markers off the track all to come in third behind O’Rosberg? I mean, really? I VANT A STEVERDS ENQUIREY!

F1R: On that note and I think it’s time to pack up the camels and head over to Spain.

It was a tough weekend for the Williams team and Maldonado had a rack of high scoring problems to secure his top of the podium position. Problems started in practice with KERS problems and then a gearbox change (and subsequent penalty). Schumacher suffered the same and languished down in 22nd on the grid, a demotion which promoted Maldonado up one place.

In the race Maldonado was fairly inactive – as the race was overall quiet – but lap 25 puncture, spin and then retirement sealed the victory.

To read all the actions and points from the 2012 championship you can read the full race results in our database.

© mayakamina (Flickr)

Welcome to the delayed Post Race Interview, it had to be vetted by the Chinese Workers Party to make sure nothing nasty was said about the countries atrocious human rights actions, massively uncontrolled pollution, harvesting of executed prisoners organs, the circa 1989 pepple-crete finish at Tiananmen Square, which of course we would not do.

We are in the laid back city of Boor-ed, slightly south of Sloth City on the banks of the Yawn River, slowly winding it’s way though the sleepy valley of Slumber.

The winners of F1 Rogues China F1 are…

• Lewis Hamilton
• Equal 2nd Heikki Kovalainin and Romain Grosjean
• Sebastian Vettel

There are some journalists longing around in hammocks who will be invited to ask questions later on.

F1R: Lewis, welcome… again, you sure do love to win don’t you? Talk us through those dramatic moments that led to you being on the F1 Podium.

LH: Podium??… a stack of milk crates? Anyway I did nothing, the big boys are picking on me because my gearbox is black.

F1R: A gearbox change!!! How riveting, spell binding, wow, tell me all about it, old Bernie McCrunt is really spicing up the show, isn’t he!

LH: Spicing it up??, Remember my Monaco win last year, 61 fantastic points and all I get here is 9 paltry points.

F1R: OK, moving on, lets go to Heikki, so Heikki, quite a performance today?

F1R: Heikki… Heikki wake up, please!!

HK: mmmm? Wot?

F1R: Ahh, sod it, piss off the lot of you, pack of boring wasters. Let’s face it, from a F1Rogues point of view it was a complete waste of time. You better improve at Bahrain or we’ll throw the book at you!!!

F1 Rogues signing off, yawnn!! See you at bahrain, bring your molotov’s and balaclava’s, it’s gotta be better than this.

Tiananmen

Anyway, the Ball reckons it was preoccupied with trying to figure out of the race this weekend in Bahrain was going to go ahead – and it’s still not sure.  However, it has made a short set of predictions.

Friday

The Bahraini authorities plan to ensure all the cars are safe by providing armed outriders to them each time they venture onto the circuit backfires, when HRT complain to the stewards that they can’t keep up with the 125cc scooters.

Christian Horner says he think the FIA should clarify the rules on the Mercedes Double-DRS and says that the FIA have only changed the rules to punish them.  Just like they did with the J-damper, F-duct, Double diffuser, Twin floor, Ground effects, Cross-ply tyres and use of leather helmets… He later mentions that they’re only a young team at which point all the journo’s start yawning and walk away.

Eventually on track, Lewis is fastest while Massa spends most of his time playing in the sand pits, Maldonado loses a nose and Senna takes himself and a totally innocent Vergne out by out-braking himself at turn 1.

There’s no sign of the FIA President.

Qualifying

Qualy 1 is called that because it’s all about finding the one car that’s as slow as the Caterhams, Marussias and HRTs. This time it’s Senna who can’t find a balance on the sandy surface.

The second session is more fun and sees Maldonado, Massa(surprise!), diResta, Hulkenberg, Perez, Vergne and Ricciardo miss out.

The shoot out for pole is a one-sided affair. Hamilton goes nearly six-tenths quicker than his team-mate followed by Raikkonen, Webber, Vettel, Rosberg, Schumacher, Alonso, Grosjean and Kobayashi.

After the session ends, the local authorities sweep the track and start moulding the rubber marbles into something more ‘useful’ to them…

There’s no sign of the FIA President.

Race

Abridged version.

Hamilton buggers off into the distance.

Button doesn’t.

Schumacher crashes into Vettel – a cucumber fight follows.

Kovaleinnen gets a puncture trying to overtake Maldonado.

Petrov (remember him?) retires with boredom of going so slowly.

Webber and Alonso spend two laps virtually side-by-side.  Webber comes out on top.

Rosberg takes third from Raikkonen who does his amazing reverse through the pack routine again.

Vergne manages to spin team-mate Ricciardo around.

Senna and diResta clash when fighting for 11^th. Both retire and then end up rolling around in the sand.

Hamilton wins

Button is second – 30 seconds behind.

Britney finishes off the podium.

Webber is fourth for the fourth consecutive time.

Alonso fifth, Grosjean sixth, Hulkenberg seventh, Kobayashi eight, Perez ninth and Raikkonen tenth.

Massa is 15th…

There’s no sign of the FIA President.

However, due to a some negative feedback, it was turned back at the airport and has decide to say **** it and go to the beach instead!

So, with a sangria in one hand and chorizo in the other, this is what the Ball thinks may happen in China.

Thursday

Renault (they must be, as according to the twitter feed of the Enstone-based team, this is where they won the constructor’s Championship in 2005 – anyone else recall Lotus F1 Team existing back then?), will protest the Mercedes DRS F-Duct and Lewis Hamilton will get a five place grid penalty for a gearbox change.  How can we be so accurate you may ask???

[Think about it – using Lotus F1 Team’s logic, Johnny Herbert must have won the 1999 European GP at the Nurburgring in a Red Bull!]

Friday

There’s rain about and as such it sees excursions into the gravel and barriers for Vettel, Maldonado, Pic, Vergne andMassa.  No big harm done and at the end of a mixed day Button is on top from Webber, Alonso and diResta.

Lotus F1 Team claim to have won the 1966 World Cup as someone they know had a ticket for the match.

Saturday

After a mixed free practice qualifying 1 is a dull affair with the usual 6 going out and joined by Verge who can’t get to grips with the Torro Rosso.

Qualifying 2 is, as usual, more fun. Both Red Bulls, McLarens, Mercs and Loti(?) get through. Massaonce again fails to get through despite his engineer, Rob Smedley, telling the Brazilian very gear change, braking and turning-in point.

Joining the hapless Ferrari driver is Maldonado, Hulkenberg, Kobayashi, Ricciardo. Malaysian hero Perez, and Senna who bins it on his hot lap.

In Q3 the drivers all wait until the second half and go for one run.  Smooooooooth Button grabs pole from Hamilton (who will line up 7^th), an impressive Rosberg, Alonso, Vettel, Raikkonen, Schumacher, Webber, diResta and Grosjean.

Lotus F1 Team claim to have won the battle of Trafalgar as the great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather of their window cleaner apparently saw HMS Victory as it set sail to meet the Spanish Armada.

Race

Great start by Button on a damp track, although everyone is on slicks. Rosberg tucks in behind followed by Alonso and Kimi.  Webber has done is usual and is now 12^th.

There’s the usual mid to back field scrum and a few pieces of carbon fibre fly through the air resulting in both HRT’s pitting for new front wings.  They have to wait, while the team scrape a few bits together and glue them together before they can rejoin the race.

Hamilton is on a mission and once DRS is enabled his picks of those ahead to be fourth by the first round of pitstops, and second by the time he makes his last stop.

Before that however, we have the spectacle of Massa being lapped by Alonso, Schumacher forcing Hulkenberg onto the grass on the pit straight and spinning wildly into the gravel and rolling over.  Fortunately the German is fine and gets back to the pits in time for Schumacher’s next pit stop where he pops up between the mechanics and starts slapping the multiple world champion of the crash helmet with a… cucumber!

Maldonado’s race comes to an end when he tangles with Ricciardo at turn 1, eliminating them both and Grosjean retires after 35 laps with exhaustion – he’s not used to driving an F1 for so long.

So, in the end, Button wins again, Hamilton is second and Vettel is third.  Alonso once again drags the Lego Ferrari higher then it should be in fourth, with Rosberg fifth, Kimi sixth, Kobayashi seventh, Webber a disappointing eighth, di Resta ninth and Senna in tenth grabbing the last point.

Lotus F1 Team announce in their post=race press release that they won because they can say what they bloody well like!